The first moments of the life of a Kneefish

Pictured here is the first introduction a young Kneefish receives to his family. The reproductive system of the Kneefish being what it is, every newborn kneefish anxiously awaits it’s first meal. Much to the shigrin of another newborn Kneefish.

Kneefish, Kneemonster, comedy, science, paleontology

The Newborn Kneefish and it’s brood-mates

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The First Stages of Kneefish Life

Below a picture of a young Kneefish… a very, very, VERY young kneefish to be honest

Kneefish, embryo, Kneemonster, earliest life

The fearsome Prehistoric Kneefish in the most formative stages of life.

Posted in Earliest Life, Featured | Leave a comment

Earliest Life

As it has been well theorized over the year, Life on this planet began as a single celled organism. Through machinations and reasons  we may never know, that single cell separated and each half went in their own Direction.

Cell formation

The genesis of life on Earth

After seeing a few other cells and a couple of wild parties they rejoined to form a multi-celled organism.

Posted in Earliest Life | Leave a comment

Earnest Marbles

Earnest Marbles cartographer of antiquity.

Well Known cartographer, Earnest Marbles.

Earnest Marbles, notorious cartographer who once had an ocean named after him …by him.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment


The most fearsome of the Kneefish line, Kneefishilicious was the scourge of the ocean in the late Notasoldazoic period

The Dreaded Kneefishilicious

Voracious as he was ill tempered, this large predator was an ignorant bully to both it own kind and all the rest of fish kind. So much so, this ambush predator from the Late Notasoldazoic is referred to by some in the scientific community the Obnoxious Jerk of the Fish world (Which pales in comparison to what the other fish called him.)

Posted in Earliest Life, Featured | Leave a comment

The Two-Headed Kneefish

Behold, an artist’s conception of the two-headed Kneefish , a variety of Kneefish that did not fare well in the grand scheme of things.

Behold! The Two Headed Kneefish

Trouble is brewing…

Posted in Earliest Life, Featured | Leave a comment

The Kneejellyfish

The Kneejellyfish

The Mysterious Kneejellyfish looking, for all the world, like a ancient ancestor of today’s Kneemonster

Nobody wants to go ahead and confirm anything, but there is a good possibility that the Kneejellyfish shares it’s DNA with the modern day Kneemonster. However there is a group of scientists who argue that it is nothing more than a glorified poofy pink umbrella looking thing and not worthy of further study.

Posted in Earliest Life | Leave a comment

The Kneesnail

The Kneesnail

The Kneesnail, It hasn’t been definitively linked to the next known link in the Kneemonster evolutionary chain but the tell tail signs are there.

As dumb as a post without all the charm, the kneesnail crawled around the Reallyoldazoic period going about its business as Kneesnail’s tend to do (slowy and without a lot of focus)

Posted in Earliest Life | Leave a comment

The Akneeba

The First Example of the Kneemonster , this is a single celled creature that appeared at the start of Life on this earth.

Some point to it as proof that God has a sense of humour. The Akneeba is a creature that later evolved in to a line of animals that were wildly successful on this earth despite a concerted effort on their part to not be. Regardless of your opinion of the Kneemonster today. You have this creature to either thank or blame.. for more information on this and other creatures, visit

Posted in Earliest Life | Leave a comment

The Tale of the Infamous Ginger Beard

 Born under the name Marmadukeorsomethinglikethat  Nickerson (Named by his mother and passed along to census takers by his inattentive father) Nickerson lived his childhood in and around the seaport towns of Wales on the cusp of the age of Pirates. Marm (as his “friends” called him) was bitten by the Privateering bug at an early age.; Of course, there was no shot for that sort of thing at the time so things for Nickerson only got worse after that.


One can only assume that Marm’s life on the sea began at his father’s knee. Phoghornphardt Nickerson was an accomplished Welsh Whaler and whilst whaling out of  Wales, landed many whales in ummm,…Wales.


Phoghornphardt probably owed his seafaring leanings to his Norse ancestors and can trace his heritage back to the Vikings , Eddieweenia Nickerson, his Great Great Great  Great Great GREAT  Grandmother (the last great is because we here at National Scientific Stuff  Magazine are big fans ) “fell for” none other than famed Viking Explorer PJ Nickerson after PJ “discovered” the unlocked back door to her first husband’s house.


So with the salt air filling  Marm’s lungs and the ocean’s deepest water running  in his blood Marm had no choice but to be called down to the sea in ships (Unlike his unfortunate dyslexic Sister who got it backwards and drowned )


Phoghornphardt’s First Mate


Marm’s early career was spent under his father’s captaincy as they chased whales over the world’s oceans. It was a short lived career that ended in tragedy one day in 1669 when they, on their ship the MV.Brawny , encountered the whale that had Eluded Phoghornphardt many years , nicknamed “ Randy Dick” by the old captain. This whale proved to be too much for the good ship and crew and subsequently dispatched the vessel in one of the most frightening (and embarrassing) manners imaginable.


The demise of the MV Brawny came early one evening in the summer 1669. When Randy Dick, sensing the pursuit of the vessel, doubled back and snuck up on it. Coming from behind, the whale jumped clear of the water and landed on the rear deck of the vessel, to the great dismay of the sailor on watch at the time. The mighty humpback whale was certainly living up to his name when the alarmed captain took evasive maneuvers and jerked the ship wildly to the left forcing the whale to “disengage his attack” .All fell silent for the brief time and the captain and crew thought the whale had given up the attack. The reprieve was short lived; however and only the faint sounds of romantic music gave warning to the second more devastating attack. Again from behind, the whale leapt even higher clear of the waves and came crashing down hard on the rear deck of the ship on top of the now dispatched repair crew. Seamen scattered everywhere and there was much crying, moaning, calling to God and wailing going on (not to be confused with whaling which wasn’t happening very much at all)


When the mighty whale was finally finished the ship by all accounts still seemed seaworthy, but the old captain scuttled it anyway rather sail back to port and have to tell all of his friends the story.


In a last cruel twist when Phoghornfart scuttled the M.V.Brawny, he forgot to mention it to the crew and all hands were lost, save for Phoghornfart and his Son.


Dark Times Followed


Alone and adrift on a cruel sea with very little prospect of being rescued. Phoghornphart and Marm waited desperately hoping help would arrive and they could avoid the seemingly inevitable fate that awaited them. After what seemed like years, Marm. Half crazed from starvation decided that the only fate worse than having to cannibalizing his own father, was being cannibalized by his own father so he immediately killed Phoghornphart and ate his brain.




As luck would have it, Marm was picked up by a passing ship later that afternoon and after lying about having eaten his own father less than 5 hours after his ship went down was taken on as part of the crew.


The Rescue ship in question was the infamous MV. Stolen Boat captained by the dread Pirate Alex “Wiry” Clickpoptick Churchill, a man of African/English descent who took to piracy when his work for a non-profit charity organization went horribly awry.

Formerly the “HMS Private Property, Don’t Touch. This Especially means you Pirates” (A picture of the stern of the ship with a board nailed to it so the name will fit would be awesome) It once was the Prized Ship of Admiral Pompous Manthorne Lord of Old Dingleberry.


Manthorne was none too pleased when his favorite ship was stolen and as a result, Half the British Navy was after Churchill due to the huge bounty on his head.


Nickerson soon proved himself a valuable asset on the MV Stolen Boat and he and Captain Churchill Quickly became close friends. (Not close enough to prevent Nickerson from turning him in for the huge bounty on his head, but close friends nonetheless.


Nickerson becomes his own Master


Having turned Churchill over and collected the reward, Nickerson was asked in what manner he would facilitate the return of Admiral Manthorne‘s ship to him, Nickerson replied “what ship?” to which the authorities in turn, replied “That big ship moored in the Harbour behind you.” to which Nickerson countered “Oh THAT ship …hang on a minute, me and my crew…and the money …and some supplies will go in and get the keys to it for you.”  When the Officers started to protest Nickerson followed with “Close your eyes and count to one thousand and there will be nice surprise for you” When the Officers finally got to 1000, Nickerson was long gone.


Admiral Manthorne Seeks Revenge


After the Officers in charge of the port that day were tied to the front of a canon that was about to be fired off, Manthorne hired some replacements and made them clean up the mess. After that they were told to “Get in a goddamned boat, get out on the ocean and get that cursed Nickerson fellow!!!” 


The Men in question, anxious to curry the favour of the somewhat temperamental Admiral took the fastest and most well armed ship in the fleet, The HMS Kneemonster, named for the Admiral’s stable of pet Asian Kneemonsters he obtained in an exploratory mission to India searching for spice to give to his five daughters who were so fond of the substances they given the nickname “The Spice Girls” (it was all they really really wanted)


The Chase is on


So being hotly pursued by British Admiralty, Nickerson desperately fled common waters in search of safe haven elsewhere. Criss-crossing the Atlantic until he was finally cornered in the Barbados in a little port town called  “False harbour” named so for the huge mural of a harbour painted on the large pointy rock wall that keeps unwanted visitors off of the island. In a stroke of both Naval tactical and artistic genius and his crew painted a very very realistic picture of the MV Stolen Boat on that same mural and when the order was given to the able crew to Ram the façade , the HMS Kneemonster met an untimely but not unexpected end.


Strike Two


 After another round of very messy cannon fire on the newly Christened HMS Kneemonster II, the new crew of officers under Admiral Manthorne’s command immediately sailed back to False Harbour in search of Nickerson and his ship. Carefully  docking at the neighbouring port city of  Real Harbour, the crew of the HMS Kneemonster sent a party of investigators ashore to determine the whereabouts of the dreaded pirate. The investigation ended shortly after questioning one of the native Barbadians who pointed to the Kneemonster II and said “He’s that fellow over there swimming next to your ship holding the large auger.” The team watched in horror as the Kneemonster II with her crew sank to the bottom and pondered their next move.


A reprieve of sorts


After Six months or so, Admiral Manthorne received a letter from his crew, telling of the events in Real Harbour. The fact it was accompanied by a greeting card with a picture of three adorable fluffy kittens and the words “We’s in Barbados, being Sorry we Sunk Ur boat” did nothing to make Admiral Manthorne any less angry…


After some thought (and lot of throwing things) Admiral Manthorne decided that He would lead the next mission and immediately commissioned the HMS Kneemonster III. Seeing however that the latest in the Kneemonster Class of vessels was carrying the Admiral himself into harms way, a brand new design was in order and action against Nickerson was going to have to wait for some time to come.


The Legend of Gingerbeard is born…


While the cat (Admiral Manthorne) was away, the mouse (Nickerson) took the opportunity to play. Soon enough, the sight of the MV Stolen Boat on the horizon became one of the most feared in all of the Caribbean. With a crew of battle-hardened sailors accustomed to the harshness of life at Sea. Raping and pillaging become the norm when the MV Stolen Boat weighed anchor. (This was mostly due to the frustration on the part of the crew, because the anchor was almost always the same weight every time)


In fact, the MV Stolen boat in your harbour was almost a guarantee that the crew was there to ravage your village’s women and steal the livestock. In later years, those who knew Nickerson admitted that, early on the crew would embarrassingly get confused on occasion.


Nickerson was blessed with a healthy face full of crimson hair, and many people believed that he was inherently evil (all that raping and pillaging being a tell-tale sign) so the moniker “Ginger beard” was adopted because “Look out, here comes Gingerbeard..hide your women!” rolled off the tongue far easier than “ Look out here comes that Nickerson fellow, who ate his dad and sold out his buddy so he could steal his boat so he could sail all over the place and rape and pillage!!!  <deep breath> hide the women.”


Missed it by that Much


It took a full five years for Admiral Manthorne to build the revolutionary “iron clad”  HMS Kneemonster III and the Admiral was admittedly nervous about covering an entire ship in iron. A fear only reinforced when the mighty ship slid off the ramp and its rail only cleared the water by about an inch and a half, but was determined to pursue the now infamous Gingerbeard to the ends of the earth. His moment for that never came however because fate had another unfortunate end planned for the pirate.

On a fine afternoon in the summer of  1680 The MV Stolen boat had came along side and disabled a vessel crewed entirely by clowns. In a fatal error in judgement, Gingerbeard decided to take prisoners and emptied the boarded vessel of all its occupants. Once the last of the 6000 clowns stepped the off 18 foot long boat the MV Stolen boat sank to the bottom under the burden.. All hands (including Gingerbeard) were lost.


Arriving on the scene in time to the see bubbles being made by his former prized possession as it sank, Admiral Manthorne was so incensed that he ordered all of cannons fired at the water where the MV Stolen boat now lied .. The resulting cannon recoil rolled the HMS Kneemonster III completely over sending Manthorne, his crew  and about 435 sheet of iron to the bottom of the ocean as well. Native fishermen of Safe Harbour swear they can still hear Admiral Manthorne cursing about the error in judgement to this day and in somewhat of a twist, the artificial reef the Ship created houses the largest school of Parrot fish in the area.  



Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment