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The Long and Sordid History of the Splut by noted Military Historian Daniel Infintismo
This Issue, The National Scientific Stuff Society is pleased to introduce the eminent and well renowned Military Historian, Dr. Daniel Infintismo, who has graciously taken time from his lucrative North American lecture tour to pen this exhaustive history of the Famed Bulgarian Car Manufacturers Thrugg & Zorgraf and the Flagship vehicle, the Splut Mark IV.
Anyone who has followed any of the numerous expeditions sponsored by the National Scientific Stuff Society will recognized this stout little sport utility vehicle. It’s adventures are well known to Staff and reader alike.
In this series of Articles , Dr. Infintismo will not only go into the history of the Vehicle itself, but will chronicle some of the famous expeditions of which it was a part…
The most famous example of this is the Bulgarian Car Manufacturer Thrugg and Zorgraff and their late model station wagon the Коляно Чудовище ( Pronounced
….Konro Yvon….. Kornhole Whyreno…….Look! Do I look Bulgarian to you???? You figure it out yourself, you’re so smart) A company Founded By Thrug Nickerson and
Zorgraff Manthorne who wanted a symbol for their Automobile that epitomized Speed and Beauty (A Kneemonster being the fastest and most beautiful animal indigenous to Bulgaria at the time)
The Now Infamous Thrug and Zorgraff "Racing Kneemonster
How it all came about
The Коляно Чудовище had been a staple model for the company since the 20’s when the company’s lead designer, Addisoniev Atkinsonov first developed the “trackless train” or “iron goat” as a single person troop carrier forBulgaria’s involvement in Boer
War. Atkinsonov was later shocked to discover not only was he late in bringing the device into production for the Boer War but that there was no Bulgarian involvement in that war.
Undaunted by this obvious setback, Atkinsonov pressed on and developed a whole range of steam driven sport utility vehicles with little or no success. Atkinsonov’s last dalliance with steam came with the Коляно Чудовище Mark XXXVIII. A steam driven 8 wheeled luxury sports car which was not well sought after byBulgaria’s elite due to the fact that what few elite there were inBulgaria, were unwilling to shovel coal while driving.
The Second Great War.
Atknisonov’s last project as Lead design came in the summer of 1941 with the five engine land bomber, Lovingly referred to by Atkinsonov as “The Pointed stick of Bulgarian Victory” This vehicle was cutting edge in that it took advantage of gasoline as opposed to steam but It was summarily scrapped after the first 16 prototypes became the collateral damage of their own bombing runs.
The Aftermath
Realizing several months later that their lead designer had left, both Thrug and Zorgraff realized that immediate steps had to be taken to replace him so they hired a German chap named Vandoloo Wilhelm Atkinsonov who in an amazing coincidence happened to be a long lost son of Addisoniev Atkinsonov after taking far too long to pee on a road trip the Atkinsonov’s were taking through Germany in the spring of 1928, Young Vandoloo brought fresh and exciting new ideas to the company unfettered by any constraints brought on by having any sort of engineering degree.
This lead to the Plucky little Eastern European Marvel we now know as the Kneemonster Splut Mark IV. This all around vehicle has been rated Bulgaria’s top Sport Utility/Chicken Carrier for the last 5 consecutive years and has consistently been given 100% satisfaction ratings by Bulgarian Chickens everywhere for the decades since its inception.
The Splut Mark IV has seen service on all continents.
It was towed back to safety in the failed Artic exploratory mission sponsored by the National Scientific Stuff Magazine in 1966
4 Spluts were left behind when a team of Scientists had to abort a cross country trek throughSouth America in search of the Pygmy Antlered Hippopotamus of theYucatan in 1974. (There is some controversy over this expedition with some in the scientific community saying that it WOULD have been successful had they on started their search in theYucatan)
2 Spluts had to be airlifted from high in the Rockies when the second expedition to find the North American Mountain Ostrich herd failed spectacularly in 1976.
10 Spluts are half buried in the Sand of theSaharaafter the failed pursuit of the last remaining amphibious camels ofEgyptin 1977.
Pieces of 3 (Maybe 4) Spluts are scattered at the bottom of the deepest canyon inAustralia after the 17th unsuccessful attempt to trap an Australian Kneemonster in the Fall of 1981.
And 2 stalled Spluts were crushed in 1982 by the Aggressive and near sighted Wooly Armadelephant of Siberia
The Expeditions in all of their Ugly detail (Part one)
Nickerson enroute to the North Pole in the Kneemonster Splut IV
The failed Artic exploratory mission sponsored by the
National Scientific Stuff Magazine in 1966
The Spluts were acquired by the Intrepid explorer SJ Nickerson who, because of his fear of large steel things was unwilling to sail to the artic and decided to drive overland from his home in Southern California. Leaving on a fine day in August, SJ ventured with little or no provision, gambling that he could acquire the necessary food and water for the journey by hunting and fishing. Trouble was not long in following on the first day of the expedition when the authorities at Seaworld took a remarkably dim view of this strategy.
The Splut was chosen for a variety of reasons. It being a four wheel drive vehicle was, on it’s face, an obvious advantage.. The Splut’s reputation of being a four wheel drive that rarely worked right was a definite disadvantage.
Leaving that aside, SJ settled on the Splut in general and this particular Splut for economic reasons. The cardboard sign that said “Take me please!” was more than enough to overcome any misgivings that he may have had.
So with NSS Sponsorship money in hand, A passion for exploration, an overwhelming desire to see for himself whether Santa Claus lived there or not, and 6 California state troopers chasing him after he gunned down three Zebra’s and an unfortunate Koala bear at Busch Gardens one hungry afternoon. SJ set out on his Artic Journey in earnest.
Crossing the Border.
SJ arrived in Canada to little or no fanfare for a variety of reasons (Most notably, he crossed the border in a remote area, because the authorities in California had asked the Mounties to look for him) and things got only rockier from there.
The Rockies
During his time in Canada, SJ was a stickler for taking the most direct route possible, and soon abandoned the much easier and more sensible highway route after crossing the border (and in fact, right after realizing that Canadians, although still loyal to the monarchy, had switched to driving on the right side of the road a long time ago, contrary to his belief otherwise.) It was this decision that took SJ and his Splut through numerous, treacherous mountain passes, and at one point would most certainly have perished en route has it not been for the guidance of the famed mountain man Jeremaiah LeOuaouaron, a hermit and notorious hunter/trapper of the BC interior.
LeOuaouaron and Nickerson found each other quite by accident when during the course of checking his trap line (this would be a pic of SJ and his truck hanging upside down from a rope) After denying vehemently that he was not a large hairless polar bear who went astray, Nickerson was able to enlist LeOuaouaron‘s help in continuing his expedition.
It was later on this expedition that SJ Nickerson discovered the most complete skeleton ever found of the ancient Kneefish. This discovery was curious to SJ because it was on a mountain top in the Rockies and SJ was puzzled by the location and its lack of water. Unable to “get his head around” subsequent explanations from the scientific community about the landscape being different 100 skillion years ago, SJ surmised that the Kneefish must have been killed somewhere else by what SJ referred to as “Mob Fish” and the body was buried in the mountains so the fish authorities wouldn’t find it.
After an anonymous tip to very confused Canadian authorities entitled “the coldest case ever, eh!” (Translated in to Canadian for Nickerson by LeOuaouaron) The pair left the British Columbian interior and crossed into the Yukon Territories.
The Yukon
As the Journey pressed on and the days grew shorter, the shortcomings of the Splut became painfully apparent. This little eastern European all terrain vehicle was holding up surprisingly well given it’s track record but the sturdy Bulgarians who built her were never terribly concerned about creature comforts.
On the first frosty morning, SJ was appalled to find out that the stock heater in the Splut was unable to melt the snow of the top….of the heater. SJ solved the problem in typical SJ fashion but what he had in enthusiasm and out of the box thinking was sadly outweighed by his lack of common sense when he attempted to build a campfire in the back seat. A slightly(Slightly) less dangerous solution was obtained from a gold mining camp under cover of darkness when SJ “liberated”(as he put it) a potbellied stove and the adventure continued.
The Golden Prize
Against all reasonable odds, SJ made it to the Arctic circle and stood triumphantly in front of what he believed to be the North Pole as evidenced by this photo taken by LeOuaouaron ( here we would have a photo with LeOuaouaron’s thumb over SJ’s head)
Whole heartedly but mistakenly believing himself to be standing in Santa’s’ front yard, SJ Placed his tongue on what he declared to be the world’s largest aluminum coloured candy cane where it immediately stuck fast. In reality, it was the flagpole of Canadian forces base Alert, Nunavut and the surly but helpful “elves” Were actually Canadian soldiers. A fact they, on several occasions, tried to convey to SJ as they freed him with a heat gun but he would only wink and say “ Your secret is safe with me !” Since the incident, there has been much made by “small c” conservatives everywhere that the idea of a Canadian army is a less believable concept than that of A colony of toy making elves lead by a fat man in a red suit.
In conclusion
SJ , LeOuaouaron and a harp seal, wishing to obtain political asylum in florida were airlifted with the Splut and taken back to the united States as hastily as the conditions allow. LeOuaouaron was forced to Hitchhike back to BC due to budgetary concerns and SJ was honored with a parade befitting his status as a famed National Scientific Stuff explorer. However, befitting his status as a wanted fugitive, the parade ended at the California state penitentiary where, SJ is a resident to this day. The Spluts were thawed out and are on display at NSS headquarters as we speak, emblazoned with a plaque reading “no reasonable offers refused.”
The New Breed of Splut
Today’s Thrug and Zorgraff looks far different than the Thrug and Zorgraff’s of old. In fact, today’s T&Z Kneemonster has transformed into a state of the art Electric Wind hybrid to satisfy the insatiable need for a green alternative. With Vindaloo at the helm the plans are to bring out a whole line of environmentally friendly vehicles under the Kneemonster flag such as….
The Kneemonster Fgiffit
This Marvel of modern technology is a hybrid of human power and electricity . The user merely runs on a treadmill for a sufficient time to charge the batteries and then is free to drive off for an estimated 15minutes of travel time with a charge time of as little 3 hours of running
The Kneemonster Wabbbwabbaspflurt
Giving a nod to the old school designers of mechanical toys, the Wabbbwabbaspflurt is actually clock works powered and comes with a Steam powered winder in homage to the companies founding designer Addisoniev Atkinsonov.
And finally the Sexiest of the Newest line of Kneemonsters
The Kneemonster E
E being the Bulgarian word for Transcendental Auditory signal of singularly intricate, prehensile, multi- fingered body parts applauding. This car is powered to record speeds by the burning of methane and is augmented by the accessory of a roof mounted aerosol can. This particular car has won the award as most attractive Bulgarian Sports for this year.
From T&Z’s latest Press release:
“The Management at T&Z have made a commitment to put our finest minds toward finding the finest solutions to upholding the finest ideals of …environmental stuff. We feel confident that you’ll all agree that this is the dawning of a new age of Recreational vehicle/livesstock transportation and are very much looking forward to the globe joining us in that pursuit of which we chose to …pursue.”
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Major News in Archeaology
Breaking News
- Nickerson standing in front of a New species of Hominid, Thornetol-Man
Today on his Nationwide lecture tour, Dr Knickerless Nickerson, in a prelude to his long anticipated Nickerson Family history, has revealed groundbreaking findings that already have the scientific world a buzz. In a singular fossil find, Dr. Nickerson has shown some evidence that lends credence to several theories long put forward by the good Doctor.
This fossil find has:
1. identified remains that, by all indications link the Nickerson family line back to the around the stone age. 2. Presented tangible evidence that Bipedal Hominids had actually domesticated (at least Juvenile) Sabretoothed Kneemonsters 3. Brought to light a brand new species of Biped Homonid that Dr. Nickerson is referring to as Thornetol Man.
As well, it is proposed by Dr. Nickerson this may explain some of the almost instinctual animosity between Kneemonster and Man.
What some scientist are speculating that the finding points to and what Dr. Nickerson is unwilling to admit is that this a pattern that would hold true for the Nickerson family for many, many generations to come.
An assertion that would certainly clear up some of the confusion over the Nickerson family coat of arms.
- The cryptic yet captivating NIckerson Coats of Arms
Controversy
While debate rages, as one might expect, over the validity of various theories, there is a certain segment of the scientific community who are casting doubts of the authenticity of the fossil itself . Many have questioned how does a fossil of someone in the act of carrying someone else being chased by someone else again with get formed in the first place, but Dr. Nickerson claims the circumstances in which this could happen are many .
A. The fossil could have been formed during an ice age whose approach was of a very rapid nature. B. They were so wrapped up in the chase, they didn't notice how hungry they were and starved to death mid-stride. C. They were freeze dried in place by space aliens to serve as a warning that us humans should all just get along.
Many are compelled to respond to Dr. Nickerson’s rationale with a confused “Whaa?” but he dismisses allof that off hand and until concrete evidence to discredit the findings surfaces, Dr. Nickerson vows that the lecture tour will continue.
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National Scientific Stuff’s environmentalists of the Year
This Month’s spotlight is focused squarely on two who are quickly becoming the Dynamic Duo of Environmental protest and awareness, Jeffery Clearmountain and Nessa Bongagner.
Already Environmental Superstars as individuals, paired together these two have become a force for the good of Creatures who cannot defend themselves from man’s destructive hand.
A Naturalists History
Jeffery Clearmountain comes from a family steeped in the tradition of Naturalism with his great Uncle being none other Jeffery O’Clairmont, famed anchorcameraman for the National Scientific Stuff sponsored, Loch Nasty Expedition, designed to finally reveal the truth of the Legendary Kneemonster of Loch Nasty for which so many have searched in the past.
Bongagner’s past is no less storied, for she comes from a gypsy heritage and is descended from a clan who fought tirelessly against the Soviet Union of Canada regime infamous for over-exploiting the natural resources available to them often even to the exclusion of common sense.
A Match for the Ages
The Pair met in College where Clearmountain was studying Medieval Rock Concert promoting while Bongagner was majoring in Environmental terrorism for corporate gain and Minoring in Ancient Viking Knitting. (Many a corporate and government spokesman has often publicly mused that she’d she would have been better off had she stuck to that career path, rather than the one she chose)
The College days were fraught all sorts of wild adventure including an ill-fated weekend expedition to the farthest Northern Reaches of Canada where they flew out on to the icepack. The Plan was to use themselves as human shields between the evil Nickolai Nickersonov and the very endangered Artic Kneemonster during the annual hunt held by Nickersonov in honour of the first Artic Kneemonster Hunt by his Great Grandfather (? Further research is required. Tradition was not the only motive for the hunt however, as well profit from the sale of the baby Arctic Kneemonsters brilliant white plumage was a compelling reason for the hunt, baby Arctic Kneemonster plumage being long sought after through much of Europe as delicacy for people with very weird tastes. (It should be noted that baby Arctic Kneemonster plumage has no differing qualities of any sort from the plumage of Adult Arctic Kneemonsters, but the reason the adult version not being hunted is plainly obvious if you’ve seen one of the big ugly buggers.)
Paved with Good intentions
In theory, the idea of painting baby Kneemonsters fluorescent orange was a sound one. Not only did it ruin the monetary value of the plumage but there was an expected reduction on baby Kneemonster/Snowmobile nighttime accidents forthcoming. Alas however, the plan in practice was foiled for the pair when they inadvertently sprayed the ceremonial Kneemonster of the small but very violent Inuit tribe known as the Manthornitus.
Oops, that could have went better
The Manthornatus were none too pleased with their new bright orange monument to a benevolent spirit (Brother Kneemonster being the spirit responsible for making fish dumb enough not to migrate south in the winter) and considered the well meaning pair as little better than the hated Nickersonov at that point. Considering that during last years hunt, they used a trebuchet to hurl four dozen incontinent walruses on to Nickersonov’s ship in protest, the attitude towards Clearmountain and Bongagner was “cool” to say the least.
It was rather hastily decided (undercover of darkness) that the pair should work on the Arctic Kneemonster’s behalf in other ways far away from the icepack or at least out of trebuchet range and the pair were carried South that night.
Better Times
A Defining moment for the pair occurred when while on holiday in Japan to
attend a SICK concert, they protested the original Godzilla movie and the poor light it shone on the creature. Arguing that it wasn’t his fault that he wrecked Tokyo it was Tokyo’s fault for encroaching on Godzilla’s habitat, They further went on to put forth that Tokyo be abandoned and turned in to a protected habitat for Godzilla given that he, the one remaining giant fire breathing lizard, was so close to extinction.
The veracity of their belief on the subject was not lessened one iota by the later revelation the creature was purely fictional and no apology for splashing fake green Godzilla blood on the Japanese Prime Minister was forthcoming
It is for this reason that neither are allowed on Japanese soil to this very day.
The Clash that may define their careers.
Currently the Situation requiring all of this “Dynamic Duo’s “attention is the Plight of the once plentiful Ocean Going Tiger of the Aral sea. The Reasons are many for the hard time the Ocean Going Tiger has to endure, not the least of which is the fact that the Aral Sea dried up years ago.
Chief among the reasons for concern however, is the largest player in the international Tigering industry, the Wealthy (and most decidedly evil) Nickamura Nickersan.
As sworn Enemies of the Evil Nickamura Nickersan , (Owner of the Largest Ocean going tigering fleet outside of the Soviet Union of Canada,) Clearmountain and Bongagner have been devoting all of their energy and resources toward frustrating the Ocean going Tiger fleet. An Armada already under pressure due to the earlier alluded to disappearance of the Aral Sea.
This all came to head one hot August day as Nickamura Nickersan in his massive Tigering flagship chased Clearmountain and Bongagner’s zodiac in a very slow pursuit across what amounts to a very large dry salt flat.
It takes a certain amount of courage (The amount of stupid you have to be however, is uncertain) to face a mighty Russian Tigering ship down with little more than a rubber dinghy and a Swiss army knife but Clearmountain and Bongagner both did it and lived to tell the tale. This despite Clearmountain’s apprehension about being on the water at all given the fate that befell his aforementioned Great Uncle, Jeffery O’Clairmont of the now infamous Loch Nasty expedition.
This has been the only bone of contention in an otherwise flawless relationship. (Bongagner is on record as having very little sympathy for Clearmountain’s fear given the amount of water in the Aral Sea.)
Despite this, they have worked well enough together to have gained the upper hand and the trade of ocean going tiger related by-products (including the treasure allegedly found in their bellies) has been banned in countries throughout the European Union. For his part, Nickamura Nickersan has vowed to continue hunting the tigers and seeks new markets in the Far East. Clearmountain and Bongagner have both vowed to see this fight through in both the courts and the large salty puddle that remains of the Aral Sea…
Following Sunrise
National Scientific Stuff Magazine will take you now, down the same garden path that the famed Buddhist, Sunrise Di’Vu took on his pilgrimage from India to China and then on to Japan spreading his own particular flavour of Buddhism as he went. Although Sunrise espoused nothing but words of peace and tranquility, it was often the case that anything but, dogged his every step.
The Early Years
Despite his optimistic sounding name, Sunrise had a troubled childhood, orphaned at the age of eight, when his parents died tragically when they were eaten by a rare herd of carnivorous giraffes (who, at the time, were all extinct in the world with the exception of Sunrise’s native India.) The experience soured young Sunrise’s outlook on life (Especially concerning giraffes) an attitude that was only changed by the teachings of the Buddhist faith he was later to adopt.
His situation magnified the natural affinity for young boys to find trouble and the Young Sunrise soon faltered, choosing a path of mischief and delinquency A bit of a bad little bugger, Sunrise was eventually forced to seek refuge from local authorities in a nearby Buddhist temple.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing from there however. Despite being a devout worshipper and soon distinguishing himself as a brilliant Buddhist philosopher, Sunrise was beginning to find himself at odds with the elder monks of the Temple over what some describe as the first recorded environmental issue in history; specifically, the treatment of the Kneemonster by the “Old-School” Buddhist religion.
In this excerpt from the Kneemonster Chronicles, there was a very specific (and cruel) ritual regarding the Kneemonster that didn’t sit well with young Sunrise at all.
The Kneemonster in India
Much like the cow, the Kneemonster has a revered place in Indian Religion. Unlike the cow however, who enjoys such benefits like not being touched or being referred to in only the most glowing of terms. Indian religion requires that every caste in Indian society, when sighting a knee monster, must immediately grab it by the genitals and throw it as far away as possible. This is considered a great honour for the knee monster by the Indian people and the story is retold of Buddha on his early morning pilgrimage to the bathroom,
The Buddha's encounter with the Kneemonster
stubbing his toe on a knee monster and uttering what later would become the first curse word in the Indian language.
After flinging the knee monster, the ceremony is complete when the whole family sits down, shares an entire litre of milk, and sets a peanut butter sandwich on fire while chanting “It’s Buddha’s way”.
The Teen Years
Used to fending for himself, Sunrise was quick to speak out against the ancient practice and was very vocally critical about the Buddhist establishment in their stubbornly clinging to an outdated and seemingly illogical dogma. Sunrise argued that it was not the Kneemonster’s fault the Buddha tripped over it that morning rather the blame fell squarely on the Buddha himself.
From the pages of “The Kneemonster Chronicles”
It was Di’Vu’s contention that rather than be vilified by the people of India for stubbing the Buddha’s toe, The Kneemonster should be cherished for preventing the Buddha from tripping over something more dangerous (such as the now extinct Corkscrew backed Hedgehog … Hunted to extinction by the wine industry, the Hedgehog was the main export of India until man made cork screws took over in the late 1700’s)
Di’Vu also surmised that if the Buddha weren’t so darn clumsy, he might have avoided this whole nasty business in the first place.
The Buddhist Establishment was equally quick to point out that Sunrise was breaking several very important Buddhist rules and would be really wise to keep his yap shut.
The threat thoroughly disenchanted Di’Vu and having grown from being a bad little bugger in childhood to being a bad little bugger as a teenager, the defiant (and some would say, pretty darn rude) Sunrise was actively campaigning against the Buddhist temple leadership. Being both charismatic and eloquent, Sunrise quickly gathered a following of like minded youth and this “counter culture” grew large enough to catch the eye of India’s King at the time, SanJay Nickerson.
A Screeching Halt
Sanjay, as a ruler, was many things (Mostly, we believe, because of some mental disorder) but a tolerant person wasn’t one of them. So he sent some of his burliest emissaries to the Buddhist leadership of the day and told them fairly impolitely to make Sunrise “shut his yap.” This was all the motivation they needed ..
This contentious stand did not sit well with the Indian populace who were not comfortable with a Deity who tripped over stuff and thus Di’Vu was advised to seek followers in the next continent over if at all possible. This advice came attached to the point of a spear so our man Sunrise heeded with much relish.
At odds with the classic Indian Buddhist teachings about the Kneemonster and shunned by both his church and the Indian establishment at large, Sunrise quickly sought to revise the history of Buddha’s experience with the Kneemonster and after some consideration, followed the Silk Route from His Hometown Kahrgovan in to the mountains of the Himalayas through Tibet fleeing the persecution.
From the pages of “The Kneemonster Chronicles”
The Pilgrimage to China
After looking closely at a map, Di’Vu soon discovered that the Next continent over was the Pacific Ocean and angrily said “Hey!” Unable to head back, he decided to try his luck in China.
Coming of Age
During his time in Tibet Sunrise learned many things that both heightened his appreciation for life and nature. Soon he had sharpened his already substantial skills at oration and persuasion and at the end of Sunrise’s time in Tibet, he and a large, devoted and enthusiastic following went further north from the Tibetan town of Ting Tang Rattle Ratlle Crash Bang (Loosely translated from ancient Tibetan to English as “Silverware that falls down the stairs”) and joined a caravan that was on its way to the Dauj Province of China
Sunrise’s Pilgrimage in the Dauj Caravan along the Silk Road
Caravan Life agreed with Sunrise and as the Merry band of Philosophers, artists, poets, weavers of clothing, “Unorthodox” Buddhists and their students traveled east, Sunrise had ample opportunity to relax, contemplate man’s relationship to wildlife, his responsibility to the world around him…ohh and smoke a boatload of opium along the way…
Arrival in China
In this excerpt from the Kneemonster Chronicles, we get a good enough picture of Sunrise’s reception on the new religious frontier.
Di’Vu found the religious climate much different than in India and when telling stories of the Buddha found much more sympathetic ears to the Kneemonster’s plight. This was the result of an amazing coincidence for a similar story was told about the Asian Kneemonster in Chinese folklore only instead of Buddha tripping over the Kneemonster, It’s a story about the evil spirit Eesdatyu who, while invading the home of innocent Chinese was thwarted by the protective Spirit San-t-klaws who take the form of an Asian Kneemonster. Therefore in China at that time, whenever an Asian Kneemonster crosses a person’s path, they were required by law to kick a fat guy and feed the Kneemonster a fortune cookie FORTUNE AND ALL!
Di’Vu was certainly smart enough to take advantage of this newly found good will towards the Kneemonster and his opinion of it and put himself forward as a holy man who could track the evil spirit and tell the San-ti-klaws whose houses to protect. When asked how San-ti-Klaws would know when he was needed, Di’Vu replied “San-ti-Klaws says He knows when you are sleeping and when you are Awake.”
I was not long before Di’Vu developed a devoted following and gained much recognition and attention from the peasantry and nobility alike.
Di’Vu and the M’an- Thorne Dynasty
That sort of widespread devotion wasn’t long in being noticed by none other than the emperor of the time, Bingbanbuum M’an-Thorne, M’an- Thorne himself held great belief in the spirits ( Especially a local wine made by some Italian fellows who were really, really, REALLY lost ) and was very interested in starting a philosophical dialogue with Di,Vu. Through the course of many meetings, M’an- Thorne found himself agreeing with many of the teachings of Buddha and the new “Kneemonster friendly” Strain of Buddhism began to take hold in China
With That, Di’Vu became one of the most exalted of religious men in all of China and unknowingly set the M’an-Thorne Dynasty on a course to war.
Waning Days
After spending much time in China with the Manthornians, Sunrise realized that he could serve Buddhism no more in China and thoughts turned to spreading the words of Spiritualism and Wildlife preservation to new lands. Following this new mission, Sunrise went further east to Japan and continued to play a role as exalted Holy man on that Island nation. It is said that Sunrise Di’Vu spent his remaining days inspiring men and women of all walk of life to think of Buddhism and their place among earths great cycle of life…. ohh and smoking and boatload of opium.
A Lasting Legacy.
Sunrise is directly responsible for much of traditional celebration of the Asian Kneemonster in China and Japan. He also inadvertently started the war between Snickeris-Kahn and the Manthorinians for it was Snugaboo M’an-Thorne who obtained the legendary Meth-Crystal and set it in a golden Kneemonster inspired motif. This directly inspired by the teachings of sunshine to Snugaboo M’an-Thorne’s forefathers.
As well, Sunshine’s teachings served as a major influence in the philosophy and art of the noted Warrior/Philosopher, Mabe-Tzu. It was Mabe-Tzu’s fascination with the Kneemonster as a protector of Buddha which led to the development of Knee-fu and inspired him to model his bamboo submarines after the creature.
So Concludes our Historic Stalking of Sunrise Di’Vu, for more information on him, please look at “ The Kneemonster Chronicles” coming soon to a bookstore near you.
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The Discovery of the Three Horned Kneeopod
- The Large Lumbering Prehistoric Three Horned Kneeopod
An Expansion in the Family Tree
Although often overshadowed by the Landmark discovery of the Tyrannokneeosaurus , the discovery of the Three Horned Kneeopod is important in its own right.
Until this discovery, It was widely accepted that the Kneemonster line had only one track, that of the Tyranakneesosaurus, which itself was only proven definitively with Dr VanMaberly-Hooten’s discovery shortly before.
Controversy Right from the Start The significance of the Discovery was clouded at first due in large part to the discoverer of the fossil himself, as demonstrated in this excerpt from the most definitive book on the History of the Kneemonster to date “The Kneemonster Chronicles” Published by none other than the dedicated staff here at National Scientific Stuff Magazine.
Sir Canolli Nickerson of Eftwick
“It is also important to note that the fossil remains of two of the creatures were discovered by the same archaeologist. The Kneeopod was discovered accidentally when Sir Canoli Nickerson of Eftwick (The noted blind archaeologist) dropped his motor car keys (Licenses, being much easier to obtain in those days) and dug down 2o feet in a desperate but failed attempt to find them.
He discovered the Kneesiosaur when he fell down a well.”
Canolli's Display of the Kneeopod Remains
Despite Dr. Canolli’s disability, he insisted that not only had he discovered two separate animals but also insisted on assembling the remains for display. When it was suggested to Dr. Canolli that it was not two incomplete skeletons, but one complete skeleton, Dr. Canolli haughtily replied “That’s ridiculous, any fool can see that.” The Sad irony laying in the fact that Dr. Canolli himself literally, could not.
Round Table Discussion
This ultimately false premise was angrily defended by Dr. Canolli Nickerson in a round table discussion first aired on the Fort Farkinflat Public Radio station and moderated by none other than Dr. Eva VanMaberley-Hooten.
The Panel Consisted of Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten, Dr Canolli Nickerson, Dr Knickerless Nickerson (Not related…unless you consider Ug) and Dr. Josiah Hazeltoniarrgh. In what would be one of the most talked about Radio conferences about something hardly anybody cares about in quite some time.
Tension was thick in the air to start with due to an old festering wound between Hazletoniarrgh and Knickerless Nickerson about the controversial yet gripping paper released by Dr. Knickerless on the Royal League of the Nasty Dinks. A situation the moderator was scarcely able to control objectively, due to her own altercation with the Dr. Hazeltoniarrgh because of the Bruhaha between the two over the Kneemonster emergence timeline.
At this point many have asked the obvious question “Why put all of these people in the same room in the first place” But the program director of Fort Farkingflat Public Radio at the time, A man known to us only as “Mr. Springer” was unavailable for comment.
During what turned into a hotly contentious debate, Dr Canolli , repeatedly insisted that the Kneepod was diminutive bi-pedal creature with either two or three horns and two legs. He further went on to claim that the fossil was NOT a Kneemonster (An assumption that the scientific community at large so firmly believed that it was widely considered a fact) but a brand new species Dr. Canolli dubbed “ The Demi-Kneemonster”
At this, Dr. Hazletoniarrgh guffawed loudly and chided Dr. Nickerson for not only being blind but “a little on the dense side” at which the moderator Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten scolded Dr. Hazletoniarrgh and rather unprofessionally called him a “Real Dink.” Dr. Hazeltoniarrgh indignantly and aggressively denied that he was any sort of dink, to which Dr. Knickerless replied “That‘s not what my research shows” which left Dr. Hazeltoniarrgh speechless.
In an effort to bring the discussion back to the matter of the Kneeopod, Dr. Van Maberley-Hooten confronted Dr.Canolli and asked him to explain the seemingly unlikely coincidence that the only fossil remains were the left side of the skull on one animal and the right side of the skull on the other. Dr. Canolli dismissed the challenge, telling Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten that “She was blind to the obvious evidence pointing to the two animal conclusion” and then asked her how many tickle monsters she has found lately.
Veiled Threats and Clandestine Actions
The Round Table ended in a verbal Melee that solved nothing in regards to the Kneeopod controversy, but news of the spectacle made the International news wire later on for a variety of reason.
As mentioned before, following the comment by Dr. Knickerless, not a another word was heard Dr. Hazeltoniarrgh, but witnesses report that he looked directly at both Drs. Knickerless and Van Maberley-Hooten and made a serious of rather cryptic hand gestures at the pair. Dr. Knickerless has subsequently claimed them to be Royal Order of Nasty Dinks symbolic gestures fortelling of misfortune to befall those who view them (A claim vehemently denied by Dr. Hazeltoniarrgh) and Dr. Knickerless responded with one or two not so secret hand gestures of his own.
Although no repercussions seemed to befall Dr. Knickerless, it was Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten who made headlines by being mysteriously tripped just outside the studio by an “unknown” assailant. Fortunately for Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten, Her fall was broken by Larry Marbles who serendipitously was stumbling towards an interview scheduled to take place that night at the Fort Farkinflat public radio studios concerning the recent popularity of the SICK tribute band, SICK again.
Alledged Royal League of the Nasty Dink Hand Gesture
Despite this and other Instances where Dr. Canolli stands steadfastly by his “Two animal theory,” the Scientific Community at large subscribes the Three-Horned Kneeopod being a Large lumbering Herbivore with five horns and the customary four legs as recorded in “ The Kneemonster Chronicles” as excerpted here. With the accompanying Illustration.
“The Three Horned Kneeopod
An Artist's rendering of the Three Horned Kneeopod
This curious creature was also a predominantly a plant eater but seemed to from time to time have a craving for squirrels”
In Conclusion
Today, the Three Horned Kneeopod stands tall as one of the most magnificent of the great Prehistoric Herbivorous Kneemonsters and The National Scientific Stuff Society anxiously looks forward to further light being shed on this, thus far, mysterious creature.
Remnants of PJ Nickerson’s Rules of Hammering found
An Artist's conception of PJ taming the mighty African Kneemonster
In what is being hailed as one of the most new refreshing insights into Norse history, Swedish Archaeologists, Kalline and Georgh Mckennikson have unveiled the pieced together fragments of stone that once were carved by PJ Nickerson to inform all of the Rules of Hammering.
This has long been considered not only PJ’s most important work left behind in posterity but long thought to be lost to antiquity. One can well imagine the hubbub that arose when the McKennikson’s proved this to not be the case.
Although not complete (Only one hundred and Seventy-Five of the estimated Two Hundred and Twelve were discovered) the recently reintegrated tablets have gone far towards clarifying what the Rules actually were. They, of course, have long been passed from generation to generation via the Norse oral tradition and certainly, through his research on the Nickerson family, Dr. Knickerless Nickerson has recorded all but Six from various sources.(albeit, some conflicting) However, having this large body of them from what is widely accepted as the original source is significant indeed…
A note on The Mckenniksons
This of course, is not the first renown gained by the famous Husband and wife team who have long laboured trying to prove Kalline’s theory that throughout history cows have been conspiring to take over the world by force.
As well, young Georgh is a not too distant cousin to the famous Naval Architect who became well known to the management and staff of The National Scientific Stuff Society during the ill fated expedition to locate and capture the Kneemonster of Loch Nasty.
…but back to the sensational Norse discovery.
The Giant Stone tablets were found while excavating the site of a Norse burial mound where the bones of several dozen Vikings were huddled together en masse. Curiously enough, they seem to be surrounded by the skeletons of cattle all bearing pointed sticks, but the Drs. McKennikson are reporting that further investigation is required before anything conclusive can be released while cows in the area seem to be assuring us that there is “nothing to see here.”
The Layout of the Tablets
The Stones themselves seem to be laid out in a manner that either inadvertently or by design, was meant to confuse. The First Fifty Rules seem to be in some semblance of order but from there it gets a bit sketchy.
To serve as an example, here’s a portion of the tablet transcribed. “
“Rule # 49
When actually using the Hammer to drive nails use the hammer made for driving nails and the not the hammer used for driving fence posts.
Rule # 50
Despite all outward appearances, the head of the nail is NOT a convenient place to rest your thumb while hammering.
Rule # 51
When hammering nails in boats …. You know those boats like the guys race on Sundays?
Those really fast ones that have the Heads carved on the front…I wonder where you get those done? I’d love to have one of those because they look really cool. Hmmm, as soon as I find out, I’m going to grab my buying stuff hammer and head right over… Oh yeah, anyway …When hammering nails in boats, only do it once and if you do put it in the wrong place, leave it there , because if you pull it out (heheheh…pull out) there will be a hole left behind.
Unless you drove a nail like I did, and didn’t realize that Sven was on the other side of the board…Man , he’s still mad at me about that…(sensy or what ?)”
And to further Illustrate the random nature of the writing…
“Rule #75
Hammering as a tool for Communication
Sometimes the only warning that some people understand is hammering… Like people who like to look over other peoples shoulders while they are trying to carve important rules and whatnot… Sometimes for people like that (Sven! Cough cough) the only thing they understand is a good ‘Quit bothering me’ hammering right to the forehead (Sven cough, cough…cough)
Rule #76
Hammering as a tool for Communication over long distances
When attempting this you more often than not, have to throw the hammer. Unless in some instances, you have a hammer with an extremely long handle.
Oooh ooh ooh and Rule #75A
When using the ‘Quit bothering me’ Hammer DON’T use it in close proximity to Mrs. Nickerson’s good white table cloth (oops)”
And it goes on like this…
In conclusion
This list in its entirety is getting sorted out and transcribed as we speak but as of yet has not been released to the press, However, the scientific community at large is hailing this as a groundbreaking discovery. (Although some of them are just saying that because they had to actually “break ground” to discover it.
One big fan of the discovery however, is none other than Dr. Knickerless Nickerson who has expressed a special interest in Rules of Hammering that refer specifically to the Kneemonster (Dr. Knickerson boasts as one of his prized possessions, a traditional Scandavian Kneemonster herding hammer from the period that coincided with PJ’s early experiments with Kneemonster riding.
Excerpted from the Kneemonster Choronicles
“PJ Soon realized that harnessing one these buggers (An African Kneemonster) was a more difficult task than he thought.
Apparently the Kneemonster doesn’t like the idea of being harnessed. This, coupled with the fact that they tend to have slightly more delicate skull that the Warthog that
PJ had been riding previous to this. The Training hammer proved to be a fatally flawed tool.
The Remaining Kneemonsters who PJ did manage to get harnessed posed another problem of not sitting still long enough to mount. PJ being a stubborn man again instinctively used the training hammer again and lost another of the herd in an attempt to recapture it.”
Both the McKennicksons and Dr. Knickerless are in agreement that this series of events is largely responsible for Rule #154
“When Hammering most Livestock a light touch is required, but be sure and still be firm enough that said livestock take you seriously”
We here at The National Scientific Stuff Society wish the McKenniksons good luck in their endeavor to completely transcribe the tablets in their entirety and also extend our hope that the ongoing expedition unearths the remaining fragments of the tablets.
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Tagged Kneemonster, National Scientific Stuff, Norseman, PJ Nickerson, skeletal remains, Sweden, Viking
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Tyrannakneeosauras Found By Archeological Superstar
In what could possibly be the crowning achievement in archeology, Dr. Evelyn VanMaberley-Hooten has unveiled to the world, the magnificent TyrannoKneeasaurus full skeleton fossil. This is, by far the most spectacular in a string of discoveries by the paleontological phenom that began in her college days.
- Dr. Evelyn VanMaberley-Hooten’s spectacular discovery, the TyrannoKneeasaurus
Discovered in the badlands of Fort Farkinflat, Saskatchewan, Canada in the late summer of 1996. Several teams were scouring the badlands to no avail when Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten came upon what looked to be a thumb bone. As fortune would have it that one thumb bone would redraw the picture of what we thought we knew about dinosaurs up until that point.
Holy what the…that’s impressive
What has been uncovered is the most complete skeletal remains of the Terrible
Kneed Lizard ever found and it has made the connection once and for all to the modern day Kneemonster. The fossil remains showed all of the hallmarks that Kneemonsterologists look for
The Waddle
The Four Not working knees
The telltale signs of unhappiness
- Dr. Evelyn VanMaberley-Hooten
Theories abound about what this maginifcient creatures final actions were leading up to its remains being fossilized, but Dr. VanMaberley-Hooten refuses to speculate any further until the remains are properly, excavated , preserves and sent back to The National Scientific Stuff Society Centre for Ancient Kneemonsterological Studies in Lower East Raccoon Dander, Wyoming.
