Remnants of PJ Nickerson’s Rules of Hammering found

An Artist's conception of PJ taming the mighty African Kneemonster

In what is being hailed as one of the most new refreshing insights into Norse history, Swedish Archaeologists, Kalline and Georgh Mckennikson have unveiled the pieced together fragments of stone that once were carved by PJ Nickerson to inform all of the Rules of Hammering.

This has long been considered not only PJ’s most important work left behind in posterity but long thought to be lost to antiquity. One can well imagine the hubbub that arose when the McKennikson’s proved this to not be the case.

Although not complete (Only one hundred and Seventy-Five of the estimated Two Hundred and Twelve were discovered) the recently reintegrated tablets have gone far towards clarifying what the Rules actually were. They, of course, have long been passed from generation to generation via the Norse oral tradition and certainly, through his research on the Nickerson family, Dr. Knickerless Nickerson has recorded all but Six from various sources.(albeit, some conflicting) However, having this large body of them from what is widely accepted as the original source is significant indeed…

A note on The Mckenniksons

This of course, is not the first renown gained by the famous Husband and wife team who have long laboured trying to prove Kalline’s theory that throughout history cows have been conspiring to take over the world by force.

As well, young Georgh is a not too distant cousin to the famous Naval Architect who became well known to the management and staff of The National Scientific Stuff Society during the ill fated expedition to locate and capture the Kneemonster of Loch Nasty.

…but back to the sensational Norse discovery.

The Giant Stone tablets were found while excavating the site of a Norse burial mound where the bones of several dozen Vikings were huddled together en masse. Curiously enough, they seem to be surrounded by the skeletons of cattle all bearing pointed sticks, but the Drs. McKennikson are reporting that further investigation is required before anything conclusive can be released while cows in the area seem to be assuring us that there is “nothing to see here.”

The Layout of the Tablets

The Stones themselves seem to be laid out in a manner that either inadvertently or by design, was meant to confuse. The First Fifty Rules seem to be in some semblance of order but from there it gets a bit sketchy.

To serve as an example, here’s a portion of the tablet transcribed. “

“Rule # 49

When actually using the Hammer to drive nails use the hammer made for driving nails and the not the hammer used for driving fence posts.

Rule # 50

Despite all outward appearances, the head of the nail is NOT a convenient place to rest your thumb while hammering.

Rule # 51

When hammering nails in boats …. You know those boats like the guys race on Sundays?
Those really fast ones that have the Heads carved on the front…I wonder where you get those done? I’d love to have one of those because they look really cool. Hmmm, as soon as I find out, I’m going to grab my buying stuff hammer and head right over… Oh yeah, anyway …When hammering nails in boats, only do it once and if you do put it in the wrong place, leave it there , because if you pull it out (heheheh…pull out) there will be a hole left behind.

Unless you drove a nail like I did, and didn’t realize that Sven was on the other side of the board…Man , he’s still mad at me about that…(sensy or what ?)”

And to further Illustrate the random nature of the writing…

“Rule #75

Hammering as a tool for Communication

Sometimes the only warning that some people understand is hammering… Like people who like to look over other peoples shoulders while they are trying to carve important rules and whatnot… Sometimes for  people like that (Sven! Cough cough) the only thing they understand is a good ‘Quit bothering me’ hammering right to the forehead (Sven cough, cough…cough)

Rule #76

Hammering as a tool for Communication over long distances

When attempting this you more often than not, have to throw the hammer. Unless in some instances, you have a hammer with an extremely long handle.

Oooh ooh ooh and Rule #75A

When using the ‘Quit bothering me’ Hammer DON’T use it in close proximity to Mrs. Nickerson’s good white table cloth (oops)”

And it goes on like this…

In conclusion

This list in its entirety is getting sorted out and transcribed as we speak but as of yet has not been released to the press, However, the scientific community at large is hailing this as a groundbreaking discovery. (Although some of them are just saying that because they had to actually “break ground” to discover it.

One big fan of the discovery however, is none other than Dr. Knickerless Nickerson who has expressed a special interest in Rules of Hammering that refer specifically to the Kneemonster (Dr. Knickerson boasts as one of his prized possessions, a traditional Scandavian Kneemonster herding hammer from the period that coincided with PJ’s early experiments with Kneemonster riding.

Excerpted from the Kneemonster Choronicles

“PJ Soon realized that harnessing one these buggers (An African Kneemonster) was a more difficult task than he thought.
Apparently the Kneemonster doesn’t like the idea of being harnessed. This, coupled with the fact that they tend to have slightly more delicate skull that the Warthog that
PJ had been riding previous to this. The Training hammer proved to be a fatally flawed tool.

The Remaining Kneemonsters who PJ did manage to get harnessed posed another problem of not sitting still long enough to mount. PJ being a stubborn man again instinctively used the training hammer again and lost another of the herd in an attempt to recapture it.”

Both the McKennicksons and Dr. Knickerless are in agreement that this series of events is largely responsible for Rule #154

“When Hammering most Livestock a light touch is required, but be sure and still be firm enough that said livestock take you seriously”

We here at The National Scientific Stuff Society wish the McKenniksons good luck in their endeavor to completely transcribe the tablets in their entirety and also extend our hope that the ongoing expedition unearths the remaining fragments of the tablets.